Behind bars NR 36

Hello I’m writing this from a prison cell. This is the first time I have been put behind bars so it’s all a new experience for me. Here’s how it happened:
I was driving through the city last night. I wasn’t doing anyone any harm as I was only travelling three times over the speed limit. I had forgotten to turn on my car’s headlights but I could see other people so I assumed they could see me. Then I hit someone on a zebra crossing. Actually it was two people, but it was their fault. They should have seen that I was busy with my two mobile phones and should have waited for me to drive past before they crossed the road. I was speaking to someone on one phone, in my right hand, and sending text messages on my other phone in my left hand. I was busy so it’s not my fault that I couldn’t steer the car properly.
Anyway, I decided to ignore the two people lying in a pool of blood behind me and just drive away as fast as possible. Just then, a minibus full of school children appeared out of nowhere. Alright, it appeared at a roundabout and I had driven through a red light, but they should have seen I was in a hurry and let me through. And what is a minibus full of children doing at eleven o’clock at night? Shouldn’t the children be at home in bed at that time? The minibus turned over twice and caught fire. I blame the minibus designer. Those vehicles can catch fire far too easily.
Someone who had nothing better to do called the police. I don’t know why. The police found that I was very drunk but I said that that wasn’t a problem. Before I got into my car I had taken some heroin and I thought that would neutralise the alcohol. The police officer said that it didn’t work that way. Well, it’s not my fault because I didn’t know that. So they looked at my identity card and arrested me as soon as they saw my name.
I wasn’t prosecuted for any of these crimes, but the police were looking for me because of something else. I had written a film review on a website and I described Denzel Washington as ‘a very talented black actor from the United States”. I was taken to court for calling him ‘black” and not ‘Afro-Caribbean”. They found me guilty of using racist language so that’s why I’m in prison. Oh well. It looks like I’m going to be here for a long time. It’s a two-year sentence.
P. S. Nothing in this story is true.

Did you now?
The first police force was in London in 1829. Policemen had to be tall, literate (so they could read street names) and had to wear their uniforms all the time, both on duty and off!

Glossary
behind bars = in prison
harm – krzywda
a headlight – reflektor
to assume – przypuścić
a roundabout – rondo
to prosecute – ścigać sądownie